Maybe it's close enought to Friday for a Little Humor.... james. > I think Santa Claus is a woman.... > > I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. > Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing > social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly > pull > it all off! > > For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about > selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in > some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when > they > - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute > shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find > only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the > shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit > of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief > because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this > count > alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, > everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a > rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another > problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there > would > be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on > to > the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that > buck > season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way > to > the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still > have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up > there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for > directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable > delays > in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect > and > repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon > monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas > tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree > angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: > * Men can't pack a bag. > * Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. > * Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be > seen > with all those elves. > * Men don't answer their mail. > * Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even > in > jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly." > * Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing > them. > * Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their > ability to pick up women. > * Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a > commitment. > > I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. > Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. > Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. > Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers > Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening > test. > But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good > will, peace onn earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The > Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa > is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!! > > James Reynolds > Business System Administrator > T.D. Williamson, Inc. > 6801 S. 65th W. Ave. > Tulsa, OK 74131 > Phone: 918-447-5159 > Email: [log in to unmask] > >