Greeting > Quotes From > STEPHEN WRIGHT > > I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park > anywhere near the place. > > I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. > I got a full house and four people died. > > Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated > coffee table. They couldn't help me. > > What's another word for "thesaurus"? > > When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great > parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if > I'm leaving. > > When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. > I was an only child . . . eventually. > > I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. > So I had to buy them again. > > For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. > I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. > > I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. > Every once in a while I turn it on and off. > One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, "Cut it out!" > > I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. > Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. > > I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new > song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that." > > I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. > Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it > (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly) . . . > and says, "Here, you can go." > > I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything > specific. > > I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold > out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed > to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ." > > I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of > cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. > > I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. > > My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out. > > I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add. > > I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. > > I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but > leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." > > I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. > I don't know how I got there. > > A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. > You'll just be walking down the street and . . . . . . . . . . . . . > . . . . oohh, that's much better. > > I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea > shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe > you've seen some of it. > > I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. > > Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. > > My school colors were clear. > > I stayed in a really old hotel last night. > They sent me a wakeup letter. > > I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having > trouble breathing. > > When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's > Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." > I said, "the middle of August? Cool!" > > My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how > and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" > I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it." > > I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going > to be gone. I said, "The whole time." > > My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. > They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the > wrong sides. > > He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and > chain. > > Hermits have no peer pressure. > > Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories . . > > There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore > like an idiot. > > How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there? > > Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? > > I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me > are furious. > > Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . . > > I remember when the candle shop burned down. > Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday". > > I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. > Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer. > > I got stopped by a cop the other day. > He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" > I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read." > > It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, > it's always room temperature. > > Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out. > > I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. > I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that far." > > I played a blank tape on full volume. > The mime who lived next door complained. > So I shot him with a gun with a silencer. > > I'm a peripheral visionary. > > I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O. > > Ballerinas are always on their toes. > Why don't they just get taller ballerinas? > > The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, > "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year." > > What a nice night for an evening. > > Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? > > When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. > When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. > Our application systems are written with the Fortran 66 compiler. It still runs as CM. This is a variation on the "Too many hours to justify conversion" category. Marc Walgren