HEWLETT-PACKARD PLANS NEW ACQUISITION Palo Alto, CA (Reuters) Only months after merging with Compaq, the New HP, looking to expand into new markets and consolidate its position in the high-tech service sector, unveiled plans for the acquisition of Kevorkian Inc., the nation's leading euthanasia specialist, on Thursday. The stock-and-cash transaction is valued at over 1.6 billion dollars, after which the mercy death provider will become a wholly-owned subsidiary of HP. At the press conference, HP CEO Carleton "Carly" Fiorina hailed the deal as a "great leap forward," an affirmation of her company's intent to remain a leader in the brave new corporate world of the 21st century. "We've come to realized that our customers don't want technology per se. They want solutions. It's not enough for us to improve the productivity of their workforce, we also have to help them take care of those workers who've become unproductive or redundant." "Acquisition of Kevorkian will enable us to deliver end-to-end solutions that maximize the return on Corporate America's human capital." Fiorina's counterpart, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, echoed her sentiments, describing the deal as a "symbiosis." HP officials anticipate an annual saving of 2 billion dollars resulting from the acquisition, mainly through cuts in employee benefits. Starting next year the company will no longer offer medical insurance or pension plans to its workers. Instead, those who are too sick or too old to work will be placed into a "state of special retirement." Officials are also expecting an immediate boost to the company's cash-flow, once it has reassigned the 17,000 workers slated to be lay off post-merger to a "better destination." While skepticism greeted the HP-Compaq merger proposal last fall, reactions on Wall Street to Thursday's announcement have been largely positive. "There's zero overlap in what the companies do. One makes computers; the other kills people. I see a lot of room for synergy here," explained Joe Mengele, bio-tech analyst at Deutsche Asset Management. "Kevorkian will help them clear out the dead woods at HP, while HP's expertise with information technology will enhance the scope and efficiency of Kevorkian's operation. It's truly a match made in heaven." Mengele also cited Carly Fiorina's steadfast leadership and uncommon vision as reasons for optimism. Critics of HP management, however, question whether euthanasia is compatible with the company's corporate culture, long known in Silicon Valley as the "HP Way." They also worry the practice of exterminating employees might adversely affect morale. "I must emphatically reiterate that Bill and Dave never developed a premeditated business strategy that treated HP employees as expendable," said David W. Packard, son of HP's late founder. Shares of Hewlett-Packard (HPQ) and Kevorkian Inc. (KILL) rose on Friday morning trading. * To join/leave the list, search archives, change list settings, * * etc., please visit http://raven.utc.edu/archives/hp3000-l.html *