Hi all,
Well, the Y2K panic has hit here.
Today I opened a letter from the landlord of our office building:
Most, if not all, computer systems either have, or may have,
a programming malfunction or interface deficiency which could
impede your ability to operate and otherwise live up to your
lease obligations. ...
We are insisting that you provide written affirmation and
confirmation of your efforts to make certain that you are
either currently Year 2000 Compliant or will be Year 2000
Compliant in sufficient time to avoid any problems at the
end of the millennium. ...
(bold)It is imperative that you provide a response to this
inquiry.(/bold) ...
...If you are not [Year 2000 Compliant] it will be necessary
for you to provide a written statement concerning the status
of your compliance, if any, and the plans you have and the
schedule within which you intend to implement those plans
in order to become Year 2000 Compliant. ...
And so on, for two pages. (Their caps, not mine.)
I have been contemplating possible responses.
Sir:
Although our corporate by-laws do not explicitly specify
the use of the Gregorian calendar -- an omission that we
will address at our next board meeting -- we have nonetheless
complied with every year since 1984 with the sole exception
of 1987, when we misread our calendar and accidentally
repeated 1985. We anticipate complying with 2000
at 0700 UTC January 1, 2000. If there is any change in our
schedule, we will inform you in writing within ten
business days.
Or:
Sir:
Our lease obligations as spelled out in our 24-page lease
agreement are, in summary, (a) pay the rent, and (b) don't
stink up the halls. With regard to (a), we have an adequate
supply of pens with which to write rent checks, and with
regard to (b), this will serve as written certification
that company policy requires all programmers to bathe at least
semimonthly. Although we have been somewhat lax in enforcing
this policy, we will insure that all programmers have complied
on or before December 31, 1999 despite the potentially
detrimental effect on their productivity.
Please note that the tenant across the hall has been using
the same battered carton of half-and-half since
March 17, 1995, and this may become an issue early in 2000.
We would not want you to confuse our programmers with
their cream.
Or:
Sir:
This will serve as our written notification that we intend
to switch to all-manual accounting beginning on January 1,
2000.
But mostly, I'd like to find out which lawyer and/or consulting firm put
this bee in their bonnet. It seems pretty simple to me: we don't pay the
rent in 2000, they kick us out, same as 1998. Why do they need a written
Year 2000 Compliance plan? What do they mean by Compliance? And what are
they going to do with it?
Sir:
Our plans are to modify our data storage algorithms so
as to employ ternary coding on unmonitored date fields.
These will be maintained by a stochastically-scheduled
calendar examination daemon via a Backus-Naur network
probe. Probes will continue using Ballmer hyperplastic
sensitivity until June 1, 2000, and on a Krebs cycle as
necessary thereafter to insure continued compliance.
Quantum free-energy effects will be limited by extensive
modification of Poincare parameters to the Schroedinger
equations applicable to those dates where the significance
of these factors exceeds the Chandrasekhar limit.
We trust this will meet with your requirements.
Geez, even my mother asks me once a month whether I'm "protected" against
the Year 2000. (Last time, I told her that we'd put condoms over all the
keyboards and now we're not afraid of _anything_.) At least she doesn't
ask for a written plan.
-- Bruce
PS. There, I've avoided the temptation to go storming over to the
landlord's office. Now if I can just avoid the temptation to CC them on
this post...
- B
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bruce Toback Tel: (602) 996-8601| My candle burns at both ends;
OPT, Inc. (800) 858-4507| It will not last the night;
11801 N. Tatum Blvd. Ste. 142 | But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
Phoenix AZ 85028 | It gives a lovely light.
btoback AT optc.com | -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
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