Hate to set a bad example by wasting bandwidth, but this is a good one
(IMHO).  Apologies to the bandwidth-impaired...

Jeff Kell <[log in to unmask]>

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> MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET
> HANFORD FACILITY
>
> REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as
> Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at
> a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device,
> exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was
> timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US
> Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
>
> "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any
> and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that
> I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears
> shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a
> bath of nuclear fire."
>
> Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly
> dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained
> University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover,
> "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn,
> there goes the mountain bike vacation."
>
> In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government
> would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the
> President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since
> lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the
> administration will initiate a
> policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
>
> Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the
> test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear
> Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft
> acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said
> Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions
> of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to
> replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can
> neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope
> thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II
> microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS
> written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get
> what they deserve."
>
> (see financial news: MSFT up 73pts)
>
> The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would
> explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation,
> run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in
> electrical power" said
> Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories
> about cold fusion."
>
> Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is
> underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun
> Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in
> Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a
> delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once,
> bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
>
> Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs
> was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison
> about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft.
> "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in
> years," said one hardware engineer.  "I'd hate to be around when
> they drop that product a second time."