Ed Smith wrote:
> It's not too late. Fall Semester doesn't start until August! Save
> yourself while you can!

Here's another satire piece I just received.  Enjoy ;)  -- Joe

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> States to ban mind-destroying "book" scourge
> http://www.freecannon.com/
> 
> Hardknoxville, Tennesseesaw - Police and teachers haven't noticed large
> numbers of kids getting hooked on the allegedly dangerous hallucinogenic
> material known in street parlance as "book," and federal drug agents say
> that few people are currently using it.  But that hasn't dissuaded
> Tennesseesawen lawmakers and political opportunists in five other states
> from seeking to outlaw the substance.
> 
> The great fear, of course, is that excessive use of "book" can turn
> otherwise successfully soccerized youngsters away from group mentality lives
> and into maladjusted geeks, nerds or, even worse, individualists.
> 
> Pennsylverware is poised to become the first state to outlaw book.  A bill
> called Singleton's Law - named for teenager Singleton Freethinker, who
> mentally gorged on book for several years and became unacceptably
> intelligent - is awaiting the governor's signature.
> 
> According to local authority Ernest Dewgooder, the little-known addictive
> material apparently appears naturally in manmade locales such as libraries,
> stores and schoolrooms.  "Book almost always appears in a layered form,"
> Dewgooder explains, "and is laced with an active ingredient known to users
> as 'word.'  These 'words,' when ingested through the eyes, frequently cause
> a meditative-like condition which can lead to a consciousness-altering state
> often referred to as 'knowledge,' and can lead susceptible victims into a
> lifetime of hardcore wisdom."
> 
> Toxicology researchers maintain that excessive book use, known in teen slang
> as "reading," produces changes in brain neurochemistry similar to those seen
> after long-term use of other mind-modifying activities such as critical
> thinking, cognitive reasoning, and creative decision-making.
> 
> "There is no doubt that excessive use of so-called book has a lasting effect
> on human brain cells," one scientific report darkly warns.
> 
> "When something like that is legal, it says to the kids that it's okay to
> consume it," nagged state Congresscrat Sly Cunningsham, who sponsored a bill
> that would ban book.  "We need to head off recreational users before they
> become chronic abusers."
> 
> Educrats agree.  State educational psychologist Paige Turner fears that book
> use will interfere with normal healthy teenage developmental activities such
> as cellphoning, texting, iPoding and relentless digital gaming
> implementation, the latter being especially encouraged because it enhances
> mindlessly repetitive knee-jerk obedience skills.
> 
> A spokescrat for the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy has
> lamented, "where will the subservient soldiers and docile workers of
> tomorrow come from if today's youth becomes corrupted at an early age by the
> consumption of this toxic menace that induces independent thought?"
> 
> Meanwhile, Adminiscrats of the DEA (Dangerous Enforcement Androids) are
> hoping that classifying book as a Schedule I controlled substance, placing
> it in the same category as heroin, will further expand their already
> expansive budgets, manpower requirements and political clout in the only
> context that matters, the DC political venue.
> 
> Some undisclosed sources indicate that the agency is already laying plans
> for launching a wide-ranging War on Book.
> 
> "Our only concern is for the children," a DEA PR flack smirked sincerely.
> 
> Concerned parents, familiar with book from their own childhoods, bemoan its
> easy availability on the Internet and in shops that specialize in "perusal"
> paraphernalia.
> 
> "At the very least it should be kept behind the counter and restricted to
> adults only," observed Lois Teem, president of the local chapter of Mothers
> Against Bad Book.
> 
> Socially enlightened countries with collectivist sensibilities such as
> France and Sweden have already recognized the mind-altering properties of
> book and banned it.
> 
> Pro-reading libertarians and other anti-bookbanners insist that book has
> some socially redeeming qualities when used in moderation.  The Libertarian
> Party is against bookbanning on principle.  "We own our own bodies,"
> thundered state party director Lee Vussalone.  "What we ingest into our own
> minds is our own business.  This should be a strictly voluntary decision and
> the government should stay out of it!"
> 
> Still, many are unconcerned.  Phil Prezcription, a University of
> Southsoutheast Carolginia pharmacology professor, said that ordinary
> American children who have used book described it as "not being very cool."
> The usual reaction is, "Been there, done that, where's my Xbox?"
> 
> A street vendor, who insisted on remaining anonymous, agrees.  "Book is not
> a party drug.  You never see a bunch of carousing teens at a rave just
> sitting there passing book around.  There's little justification for
> regulating it like alcohol and Sudafed and the morning after pill."
> 
> Note: While preparing this article, concern was expressed that some young
> people might be discomfited at the suggestion that self-serving government
> busybodies should be watching their every move at all times.  However, it
> was decided that the likelihood of youthful citizens ever seeing this
> article was effectively zero.
> 
> - by Garry Reed

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