My daughter, who is on the faculty of U.S.F. , felt like I needed this
laugh.  Thought you might enjoy as well.

My wife has just completed a Ph.D., which means that,

between the two of us, we now have two doctorates.

Yes, she has two and I have none.

She's a double-doctor; I'm a double-dunce.

She just finished defending her dissertation; I  just

finished defending my dessert. "Hey, keep your hands off the ice cream.

I'm saving it for breakfast!"

She spent four years earning a Ph.D. in veterinary epidemiology;

I  spent four years learning how to spell "epidemiology."

(Please don't ask me what it means I can't afford another four years.)

Most people believe that Ph.D. stands for "piled higher and deeper."

That's not true at all. Ph. D. stands for "permanent head damage."

Almost all college professors in America, not just the ones

teaching organic chemistry, suffer from Ph. D. A few suffer from

an acute form of Ph.D. known as "persistent head dilation."

This condition can usually be alleviated through acupuncture,

a procedure that allows large amounts of hot air to escape.

In fact, since this condition was first diagnosed in 1987, several
professors

from Harvard University have been recruited to help keep the MetLife Blimp
aloft.

A Ph.D., as you can see, can put more stress on a human brain than almost

any endeavor, except perhaps filing taxes and negotiating peace in the
Middle East.

  If you visit any large university, you can easily spot the Ph.D.
candidates.

They're the ones walking around in a daze, muttering to themselves,

without having smoked anything illegal. . Many have dark circles around
their eyes,

  partly from lack of sleep and partly from banging their heads against walls

(and committee members).

Earning a Ph.D. is similar to sex. You never know how long ifs going to
take.

Some people are quick; others take an eternity. Some drop out in the middle,

too exhausted (or bored) to continue. Many are involved in experimentation.

And the results often make them scream.

A Ph.D. is hard because, unlike a bachelors or masters degree,

you cannot buy your research papers on the

lnternet. You must conduct original research. Originality is important,

because your research will likely be

published in a prominent journal and read by as many as three people.

Yes, it could make you "world famous in your field."

But not everyone can achieve fame in a prominent

publication like the Journal of Indeterminate Variable Engineering (JIVE).

Some must settle for a lesser

publication like the Journal of Unappreciated Native Kitsch (JUNK).

If you're lucky, you'll be invited to present your findings

at an academic conference, where other people with Ph.D.s will nod their
heads,

clap their hands and pretend they understand what you're saying.

Of course, before you can achieve such celebrity, you must complete your
Ph.D.

You must resist the temptation to just drop out and become a normal human
being,

one who has no chance of attaining that blissful state known to university

  professors as "tenure." Tenure allows you to become a permanent fixture at
a university,

outliving not just the chairs and desks, but also most buildings.

Tenure allows you to live a grander, more stable life than the poor
untenured masses.

Yes, a Ph.D. can definitely improve your life. My wife, who also has a
doctorate in

  veterinary medicine, hopes to work permanently as a university researcher.

"The Ph.D. will be good for my curriculum vitae," she says.

Curriculum vitae? I hope she sees a medical doctor about that. Sounds rather
painful.


Mike McIntyre, Ed.S
University of Tennessee Chattanooga
College of Education and Applied Professional Studies
Teacher Preparation Academy
Department 4154
615 McCallie Avenue
Chattanooga, TN 37403