1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting 
   clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed

   up in the first place!

 2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky 
    dunk".

 3. The early bird still has to eat worms.

 4. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
 
 5. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell 
    the difference.

 6. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could 
    simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

 7. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you 
    haven't fallen asleep yet.

 8. My wife says I never listen to her.  At least I think that's what 
    she said.

 9. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they 
    can in prison?

11. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have 
    started with something called labor!

12. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

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