This Hump-day Evening e-mail is not to be taken seriously, even by its
intended readers - whoever they may be. So if you are interested in a heavy
diatribe about something related to politics, the State's budget, human
relationships, terrorism or religion, please find the icon that looks most
like a trash can now. As it is now after banker's hours, I trust I should
not receive a call from the Arena administrative offices this evening. I
will fondly look forward to a shaking head, a Hershey's Special Dark  and a
cup o' jo.

I was about to send everyone a note reminding you to reserve your Patten
Series subscriptions by Tuesday to save your seats from last year or to get
the best available before we open them to individual sales (I feel guilty
if I don't throw in a little gratuitous marketing on Raven). I first
clicked on my incoming mail icon.

I discovered this note a from a colleague in Memphis. As my father ran an
Army Air Corps machine shop in a tent that traveled with bombers and
fighters from Libya to Rome from 1943-1945, it first struck me as humorous.
Most of the pilots I have known are perfectionists, if not down right
obsessive. Then what popped into my noggin  was the realization that the
note below oversimplifies the last 7-day-long discussion that has
intermittently popped up in my in-box  and (not too surprisingly) was
popped to another aforementioned container.

Here is my take on it, up front:

Someone thinks a "thing" is broken so looks to fix it. Someone else
scratches his head, provides a fix based on his own perspective and
background then relays an answer back to the first person, who scratches
his head and says, "No, I meant you should........" On it goes.

PUBLIC DISCLAIMER:

I understand that I uniquely make this connection, so please feel free to
ignore this note, delete it, forget it was sent and, most importantly,
refrain from making it the next subject for public comment and debate, as I
pray to the supreme being  {wasn't that Ralph Richardson? - a double at the
Patten House to the first person who makes that connection and replies to
me alone [hint: the movie was not Ben Hur (the face of the actor who played
the carpenter was not shown)  nor The Ten Commandments (the voice-over  was
by Charleton Heston, who also portrayed Moses)]} that we, collectively, are
now prepared to find one.

Dr. Meagher, did I get those brackets, braces and parentheses in the right
order? Did I even remember their names correctly? I don't think I ever
used  them together while writing a paper. At least I did not capitalize
"supreme being," for that is reserved for one's own chosen deity. Isn't
referring to the one true "I am who I am"  by a name idolatry, even if it
is a generic term when used without capitalization? Would someone with a
PhD in religious studies of some sort please clarify that for me in a
personal note (I foresee a scathing reply from someone from another
discipline, hopefully a kinder reply from the Dean)?

I claim no credit for content, writing style nor validity of the claim
about Quantas, plus let me apologize to animal rights activists, vegans (I
am sure I spelled that wrong, as it is a new term to me. I eat many life
forms, for if we only ate made-made items, I believe we would all die of
cancer in a very short time), the vertically challenged and other groups it
may appear to target.

>After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
>conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the
>flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the
>problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what
>remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before
>the next flight.
>
>Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
>
>  Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
> submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
> engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never
> had an accident.


>  (P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
>  (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

>P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
>S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

>P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

>P: Something loose in cockpit.
>S: Something tightened in cockpit.

>P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>S: Live bugs on back-order.

>P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
>S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

>P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>S: Evidence removed.

>P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>S: DME volume set to more believable level.

>P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>S: That's what they're there for.

>P: IFF inoperative.
>S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

>P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>S: Suspect you're right.

>P: Number 3 engine missing.
>S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

>P: Aircraft handles funny.
>S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

>P: Target radar hums.
>S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

>  P: Mouse in cockpit.
>  S: Cat installed.

>P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
>on something with a hammer.
>S: Took hammer away from midget.

If you are totally confused by this e-mail and would like to share that
confusion with a friend (nemesis?), please know that I take requests on
Wednesday nights. However, I always perform better after a glass of
gratuity, so the office ain't the place. (If you do get it, you'd better
not admit that to anyone but me.)

Sorry, honey. I'm on my way home. Go Mocs!! (Okay, I know rah rah
sentiments won't make up for this nonsense.)

Kim "Does anyone have a clue what he was talking about?" Renz