-----Original Message-----
From: GCFL [mailto:[log in to unmask]]
Sent: Friday, May 09, 2003 4:01 PM
To: Larry Barnes
Subject: [GCFL] Lessons My Mom Taught Me

/* Sorry we've missed so many days in the last few months.
Things are still kinda rough at the home front with the
passing of my mother-in-law (she was actually a great one
desipte the jokes you hear).  And with Mother's Day this
weekend, it will be tough.

Still, we wish all the Mother's a great Mother's Day!
*/

My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going kill each other, do it outside. I just
finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into
the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me LOGIC #2 -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're
not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you;
would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times -
Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this
world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to
freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a
good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're
cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOUR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come
running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out
just like you!"

Received from the Internet Humor Archives.

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