I think the satirical emails below sums it up concerning the holiday season
and trying to please everyone.  Please read in jest, in no way was this
intended to offend anyone, but to show how ridiculous we look when we try to
defend our personal beliefs at the expense of others.  I do believe there is
a mistake in the 4th email below concerning Dec. 2, I could be wrong (and
that won't be the first time).

So, cheer up and enjoy this season for what it was meant to be.  That of
giving of one-self to bring joy and happiness to others and relieving the
stress and grief of others (not create it).

TO all my fellow listers:

Have a SAFE and ENJOYABLE HOLIDAY SEASON.

May you find happiness while you travel the road of life.

Remember those less fortunate than you and lend a helping hand.
(the investment return of inward peace is worth it!)


Here's the emails
****************************************************************************
*************
 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
 DATE: December 1
 RE: Christmas Party

 I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
 will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the
 banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar,
 but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
 traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't Be
 surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

 -----

 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
 DATE: December 2
 RE: Christmas Party

 In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
 Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an
 important holiday which often coincides with Christmas,
 though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
 we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
 applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this
 time.

 Happy now?

 -----

 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
 DATE: December 3
 RE: Holiday Party

 Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
 Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't
 sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but
 if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you
 wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
 this? Somebody?

 -----

 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
 DATE: December 7
 RE: Holiday Party

 What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December
 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
 eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes
 the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon
 this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
 employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on
 serving your meal until the end of the party - the days
 are so short this time of year - or else package
 everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that
 work?

 Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters
 Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
 pregnant women will get the table closest to the
 restrooms. Did I miss anything?

 -----

 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
 DATE: December 8
 RE: Holiday Party

 So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you
 expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire
 regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our
 "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try
 to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
 band's breaks. Okay???

 -----

 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
 DATE: December 9
 RE: Holiday Party

 People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having
 our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of
 "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil
 connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a
 tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family
 feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on
 Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?

 -----

 FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
 DATE: December 10
 RE: Holiday Party

 Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're
 going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue
 whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
 table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
 quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar,
 including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have
 feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've
 heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!

 -----

 FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
 DATE: December 14
 RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

 I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a
 speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll
 continue to forward Your cards to her at the sanatorium.

 In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
 Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
 off with full pay.

 We hope that this change does not offend anyone.

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