Andersen Consultant:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant
market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create
and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.
Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped
the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen
helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and
experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in
support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and
best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the
transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in
order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit,
and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the
implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing
an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry
cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling
and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based,
industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market
message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.
This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration
solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more
successful.
Herodotus:
Another story that is told among the Cimmerians is this, that in past times
Chickens, and in particular that one Chicken, who was called Misgetomenos
the son of Aidoion, were wont to cross the Road. I myself, however, having
seen with my own eyes the Road of the Cimmerians, am convinced that the Road
is not, and never was, crossable by Chickens, nor yet by Misgetomenos.
The Road is in appearance wondrous, and unlike any other thing in the world.
It is a straight, flat band, made of a material that the Cimmerians call
"asphalt" (which in the Cimmerian language means, "asphalt.") It is
possessed of two yellow lines, being both in the center of the band, such
that the center itself is between the yellow lines, and is black. As it is
wide, dirty, and not seemly in the matter of U-turns, I am of the opinion
that no Chicken ever crossed it.
There are three stories which are told about Misgetomenos the son of
Aidoion, of which the following is in my opinion the most probable, the
others being, so it would seem, completely untrue. This is that Misgetomenos
was not a Chicken at all, but rather a slave who, charged with the painting
of crosswalks, was called by the name of "Tsicken," which, in the Greek
language, means "chicken.
There is, however, a different tale which is told of the son of Aidoion, and
this I heard from the Greeks who live in Asia. This I will recount, though I
do not believe it. This is that Misgetomenos was, in fact, a Chicken;
further, that he did cross the Road of the Cimmerians, simply for this
reason: that he might get to the Other Side.
Windows NT Chicken:
The Windows NT Chicken is designed to run over the Novell chicken as it
crosses the road. Forget about crossing the road with less than 100MB of
RAM.
OS/2 Chicken:
Can cross the road as a Windows 3.1 Chicken, or a DOS Chicken, but it's
almost impossible to cross the road as a Native OS/2 Chicken, because there
are no device drivers available for crossing the road yet (and there never
will be.)
Win 95 Chicken:
The Win95 Chicken can cross any given road in eleven different ways, not
counting the use of wizards who will actually cross the road for the
chicken. If you can remember all eleven ways, you can become a Microsoft
Certified Poultry Specialist (MCPS). If you come up with new way for the
Windows 95 Chicken to cross the road, you can become a Microsoft Certified
Solution Provider (MCSP.) But if you come up with a whole new chicken
altogether, then you will become a Microsoft Certified Enemy (MSROADKILL)
Microsoft Chicken (tm):
Already owns both sides of the road and the space in the middle (check out
"The Road Ahead", by Bill Gates). The Microsoft Chicken no longer worries
about getting to the other side of the road. Its sole hell-bent mission is
to somehow install MS Internet Explorer on your hard drive and choke the
Netscape Chicken.
Netscape Chicken:
When you get to the other side of the road, remember to bookmark it so it
will be easier to find next time.
Shareware Chicken:
If you use the Shareware Chicken to cross the road you are encouraged to
send 15.00...
Freeware Chicken:
Same as the Shareware Chicken, but with a more realistic approach.
Quicken Chicken:
Even if you use the advanced features of the Quicken Chicken to get to the
other side of the road, you are still going to be out of balance, same as
you were with the Paper Chicken.
Unix Chicken:
Assuming the Unix Chicken has permission to cross the road, it may go about
it in this way: cd /usr/local/dev/chicken/bin/travel/ cr -o [road] -s
[speed] -a [angle] -d [debug] -l [logfile] | [destination side] -v [verbose]
When the Unix Chicken's process is complete you may find out why it failed
by looking in:
/usr/local/dev/chicken/spool/crossings/errlog/ch10356723.x.out
Linux Chicken:
Same as the Unix Chicken but it's free, although unsupported. To find out
why the Linux chicken failed to cross the road, you will have to send email
to some guy in Iceland with more dots in his email address than there are
stars in the universe.
Qnx Chicken:
The QNX Chicken is similar to the Unix Chicken, but is so small it can pass
through the eye of a needle as it crosses the road. There is no real reason
for the QNX Chicken to cross the road except to amaze your friends.
DOS 1.2 Chicken:
Everybody has a manual for the DOS 1.2 Chicken on a bookshelf somewhere in
the back. If you are considering crossing a modern road with the DOS 1.2
Chicken you may want to read the special supplement to the manual titled
"Using the DOS 1.2 Chicken with a Hard Disk."
Oracle Chicken:
The Oracle Chicken is the ideal solution to your massive
other-side-of-the-road problem, but you will never be able to afford the
Oracle Chicken.
OOP Chicken:
It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
PowerBuilder Chicken:
Drags in its slick marketing on how well it can cross the road. When you are
impressed and buy the chicken, it randomly gets run over while trying to
cross the road.
Assembler Chicken:
First it builds the road ...
IDE Chicken:
The original Chicken Platter. Can cross the road by itself, or with a
properly configured slave, but not as quickly as the SCSI Chicken.
SCSI Chicken:
These chickens can grow to extremely large sizes, and can cross the road
very quickly in packs of up to eight. Will cross with Mac Chickens or PC
Chickens. A whole bunch of SCSI chickens together are called a Chicken RAID.
With Chicken Mirroring, you can still make it to the other side of the road
if you have a Fried Chicken.
C Chicken:
As a general rule of thumb, if the C Chicken has to cross the road more than
once, it's better to call a function instead.
C++ Chicken:
The C++ Chicken wouldn't have to cross the road. Instead, an instance of the
object chicken (based on the c_chicken class) would be inherited to the
other side.
FORTRAN Chicken:
Has all the velocities and vectors for crossing the road already defined. If
you are an aerospace engineer you might be able to get the FORTRAN Chicken
to actually fly across the road. (on paper anyway)
COBOL Chicken:
DATA DIVISION.
WORKING-STORAGE SECTION.
01 ROADWAY.
05 THIS-SIDE-OF-ROAD VALUE "CHICKEN".
05 CHICKEN REDEFINES THIS-SIDE-OF-ROAD.
05 MIDDLE-OF-ROAD.
05 OTHER-SIDE OF ROAD.
PROCEDURE DIVISION.
MOVE-IT SECTION.
MOVE CHICKEN TO OTHER-SIDE-OF-ROAD.
Prolog Chicken:
The Prolog Chicken uses advanced intelligence routines to deduce through
logical association whether or not you want it to cross the road. This
process has no impact on whether or not the Prolog Chicken will actually
cross the road.
ADA Chicken:
Good enough for crossing government roads.
SQL Chicken
select crossing from road where object = "chicken" and side_1 = "here" and
side_2 = "there" into crossing.sql /
BASIC Chicken:
10 PRINT "Go to the other side of the road." 20 GOTO 10 MUMPS Chicken f w
"Go to the other side of the road."
Visual Basic Chicken:
USHighways!TheRoad cross (a Chicken)
Delphi Chicken:
The Delphi Chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download a
chicklet to the other side.
Web Chicken:
There are so many possible paths for the web chicken to take to get to the
other side of the road that it's getting harder and harder for the Web
Chicken to find its way. The Web Chicken will always wind up on "My Favorite
links to other peoples' favorite links to Pamela Anderson Sites" instead of
the other side of the road.
TCP/IP Chicken:
Grinds the Chicken up into byte size packets, ships each one separately by
the fastest possible route to the other side of the road and then
re-assembles the Chicken.
NetBEUI Chicken:
Great for leading a few chickens across the road, but not good for routing a
whole bunch of chickens.
IPX/SPX Chicken:
Can cross with Novell Chickens, and can even be routed.
Kung Pow Chicken:
*spicy - comes with egg roll.
Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.
Newton Chicken:
Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you can carry it across the
road in your pocket.
Packard Bell Chicken:
If you purchased a Packard Bell Chicken, you are obviously not experienced
enough to cross the road by yourself. You will probably need the expert
technical advice of a Wal-Mart Salesperson to guide you across the road. The
Packard Bell Chicken is the origin of the term 'chickenshit.'
WebTV Chicken:
Technically it can get to the other side of the road, but it's not really a
chicken. Mrs. Goldie Brand Chicken. Expects you to believe that some famous
country singer/spokeswoman actually comes home and fries chicken every night
for her family of 15.
Cray Chicken:
Crosses the road faster than any other chicken, but if you don't dip it in
liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side as FriedChicken.
Quantum Logic Chicken:
This chicken is distributed probabilistically on all sides of the road until
you observe it on the side of your choice.
Thermodynamic Chicken:
According to the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics, this chicken will always cross
the road, presuming that the origin side is one of an ordered state and the
destination side is one of an entropic (or disordered) state.
Heisenberg's Uncertainty Chicken:
Eventually even indirectly observing the chicken cross the road will effect
the outcome of the crossing in some way.
Chaos Theory Chicken:
Given a complex enough road, it is impossible to predict how the chicken
will cross, but an unpredictable pattern of orders may be spontaneously
generated in the otherwise random crossings of all chickens everywhere.
Occam's Razor Chicken:
Given two equally proveable and equally probable chicken crossings, the
simpler of the two is generally the true crossing.
General Relativity Chicken:
Mathematically there is no difference between saying that the General
Relativity Chicken has crossed over the road, or that the road has crossed
underneath the General Relativity Chicken. Either can be proven.
Special Relativity Chicken:
Cannot cross the road faster than the speed of light, and will presumably
gain more mass and therefore distort time to a greater degree the faster it
crosses.
AT&T Chicken:
Calls you up in the middle of dinner time and asks you to switch back to
it's side of the road.
Lotus Chicken:
Comedian Dennis Leary frightens the chicken into thinking that only dumb
teenagers with blue hair are on this side of the road and it needs to be on
the other side of the road with the Greedy Capitalist Chickens.
IBM Chicken:
The original IBM Chicken was too slow and too expensive to make crossing the
road practical, so IBM allowed everyone else to clone it's chicken, hoping
that they would go out of business. They didn't, and now the IBM Chicken is
more like a clone of a clone of a clone of the clones of itself. Every year
they hold a Special Olympics for the IBM Chicken so it can cross the road
too.
Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so
there's no command for doing that. Not to be confused with Chicken
MacNuggets, which enjoyed the same popularity for a time, as well as the
same functionality.
Java Chicken
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download a
chicklet to the other side.
Quantum Logic Chicken
The chicken is distributed probabilistically on all sides of the road until
you observe it on the side of your course.
Lotus Chicken
Don't you dare try to cross the road the same way we do!
Mac Chicken
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so
there's no way to tell it to.
"Jerry Fochtman" <[log in to unmask]> wrote in message
news:3d9da3ff@skycache-news.fidnet.com...
> Hey....it's Friday, what can I say...
>
>
> >WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
> >
> >
> > GEORGE W. BUSH
> >
> > I don't think I should have to answer that question.
> >
> > AL GORE
> >
> >I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the
> >chicken crossing the road represented the application of these
> >two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way
> >designed to bring greater services to the American people.
> >
> > RALPH NADER
> >
> >The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been
> >polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not
> >reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road
> >because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
> >
> >PAT BUCHANAN
> >To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
> >
> >
> > RUSH LIMBAUGH
> >
> >I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it
> >was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet
> >someone out there is already forming a support group to help
> >chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?
> >How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing
> >the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax
> >dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took
> >from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
> >
> >
> > MARTHA STEWART
> >
> >If the chicken crossed the road on my property, I would be fully
> >justified in blocking its exit until the local authorities could
> >arrive to arrest it for trespassing. I am a private person and
> >should not have to be subjected to the "innocent mistakes" of
> >common chickens.
> >
> > JERRY FALWELL
> >
> >Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people
> >see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going
> >to the"other side. "That's what "they" call it - the "other
> >side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat
> >that chicken, you
> >will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort
> >out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with
> >seemingly
> >harmless phrases like "the other side."
> >
> > DR. SEUSS
> >
> >Did the chicken cross the road?
> >Did he cross it with a toad?
> >Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
> >But why it crossed, I've not been told!
> >
> > ERNEST HEMINGWAY
> >
> > To die. In the rain. Alone.
> >
> >
> > MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
> >
> >I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross
> >roads without having their motives called into question.
> >
> >GRANDPA
> >
> >In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
> >Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was
> >good enough for us.
> >
> > BARBARA WALTERS
> >
> >Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to
> >the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of
> >how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on to
> >accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
> >
> >JOHN LENNON
> >
> >Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
> >
> >ARISTOTLE
> >
> >It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
> >
> >KARL MARX
> >
> >It was a historical inevitability.
> >
> > SADDAM HUSSEIN
> >
> > This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
> >justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
> >
> > VOLTAIRE
> >
> >I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to
> >the death its right to do it.
> >
> > RONALD REAGAN
> >
> > What chicken?
> >
> > KEN STARR
> >
> > I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the
> >behest of the President of the United States of America in an
> >effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American
> >public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official
> >has been trying to cover up.
> > As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the
> >president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and
> >undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to
> >offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates
> >fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not
> >be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our
> >investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations
> >have been completed.
> >
> > CAPTAIN KIRK
> >
> >To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
> >
> >FOX MULDER
> >
> >You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more
> >chickens have to cross before you believe it?
> >
> >FREUD
> >
> >The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
> >the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
> >
> > BILL GATES
> >
> > I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross
> >roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
> >balance your checkbook---and Internet Explorer is an
> >inextricable part of eChicken.
> >
> > EINSTEIN
> >
> >Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move
> >beneath the chicken?
> >
> > BILL CLINTON
> >
> > I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
> >chicken? Could you define chicken please?
> >
> > LOUIS FARRAKHAN
> >
> >The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken
> >crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him
> >down.
> >
> >THE BIBLE
> >
> >And God came down from the heavens, and He said Unto the
> >chicken," Thou shalt cross the road" And the chicken crossed the
> >road, and there was much rejoicing.
> >
> > COLONEL SANDERS
> >
> > I missed one?---------
>
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