SICK DAYS:
  We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.  If
  you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
 SURGERY:
  Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
  need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired
  you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your
  employment contract.
 PERSONAL DAYS:
  Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.  They are called
  Saturdays & Sundays.
 VACATION DAYS:
  All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year.
  The vacation days are as follows:  Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.
 BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
  This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for the
  dead friends, relatives or coworkers.  Every effort should be made to have
  non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
  involvement is unavoidable, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
  afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and
 subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
 OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
  This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
  weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
 RESTROOM USE:
  Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
  we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.  For
  instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to
8:20,
  employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.
  If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait
  until  the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies
  employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees, supervisors
  in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict
  3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will
  sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
 LUNCH BREAK:
  Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
  they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get
  a balance meal to maintain the average figure.  Overweight people get 5
  minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast
and
  take a diet pill.
 DRESS CODE:
  It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary,
  if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we
  assume you are doing well financial and therefore you do not need a raise.

 Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive
 employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns,
complaints,
 frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations,
 contemplation's, consternation's or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.
 Human Resources Department

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