French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan To Convince Taleban
of Non-Existence of God

The ground war in Afghanistan hotted up yesterday when the Allies
revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist
philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of Taleban zealots
by proving the non-existence of God.

Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets',
will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency
and existential  anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous
intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris's
Left Bank, their first action will be  to establish a number of
pavement cafes at strategic points near the front lines. There they
will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life
and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by
a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further
spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every
five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.

Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his
confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo,
a very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated
wildly and said, "The Taleban are caught in a logical fallacy of the
most ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue
out of my ear, Juliet, I am
talking."

Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating
freedom of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and
the films of Alfred Hitchcock. However, humanitarian agencies have been
quick to condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the
effects of passive smoking from the Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could
wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.

Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also contribute to
the effort by dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan to
propagate his  non-deistic theory of the creation of the universe.

Other tactics to demonstrate the non-existence of God will include the
dropping of leaflets pointing out the fact that Michael Jackson has a
new album out, Larry King has a new contract at CNN, rap music is still
flourishing and Oprah Winfrey and Martha Stewart have not died yet.

- forwarded by Frogfish

Robert Delfs
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