A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for
people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.  Here
are the finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks."  (This was the winning
quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel
Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for
months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's
time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M
Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.  (CIO of Dell
Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I
told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work
on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial
to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD
Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines
Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned
above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He
said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask
for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing
our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in
one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of
the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the
executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I
asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?)
working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her
demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR
manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his
dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me
not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire
staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the
local Sunday newspaper! could be used in company memos. A month later, I
resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo
by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)