Being that it is football season, this seemed appropriate to brighten your
brief day. Please remember, this is intended to be humorous.

 

THE FIRST CHURCH OF FOOTBALL

In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have
considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football
phrases:

COACH: The children's Christmas program director.

ASSISTANT COACH: Every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas
program.

BLITZ: The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every
benediction.

BLOCKING: Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping
everyone else from exiting.

COMMERCIAL:  Announcements.

DRAFT CHOICE: The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.

DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins
during the service.

END ZONE: The pews.

EXTRA POINT: What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too
short.

FIRST QUARTER: What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it
looks like they are giving.

FOURTH QUARTER: The amount that makes up the $1 most people put into the
Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.

HALFTIME: Usually during the offertory when at least 14 people decide they
need to use the restroom.

HOLDING: Passing on the offering plate without putting in a cent.

ILLEGAL MOTION: Leaving before the benediction.

INTERFERENCE: Talking during the organ prelude.

OFFSIDES:  When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room
(severe penalty incurred).

PASS: When the new couple says no.

PASS INTERFERENCE:  A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the
flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.

QUARTERBACK SNEAK: How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door
during the benediction.

RED DOG: Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who  "own" their own
pew.

SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than 25 minutes.

TACKLE:  Asking that  "new couple" to sing in the choir, work in the
nursery, serve on a committee, join a Bible study, and teach the middle
schoolers before they get away.

PASS: When the new couple says no.

TIME-OUT: Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: The pastor's wife looking at her watch in full view of
the pastor.

UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT: Usually takes place at a committee meeting to
decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.

 

 

 

Don Harris

Chattanooga Mocs

Director of Athletics Marketing & Promotions

615 McCallie Ave., Dept. 3503

Chattanooga, TN 37403

phone: (423) 425-4773

cell: (423) 503-8825

 <http://www.GoMocs.com> www.GoMocs.com