All right, all right, I should have known that the NPR alarm was false. I
just figured that, now that Dubya has (almost) taken out Iraq, he would
turn his attention to another set of bad guys....
To make up for my false alarm, I am sending ya'll some great humor.
>
>Subject: Airline humor
>
> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the
>in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
>entertaining.
> Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
>
> On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
>crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
>altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for
>your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight
>attendants."
>
> Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're
>going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
>have."
>
> There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there're only 4
>ways out of this plane.
>
>
> "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
>you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
>for a ride."
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan,
>a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
>WHOA!"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
>Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
>"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because,
>after a landing like that, everything sure as hell has shifted."
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
>Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt,
>insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just
>like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate
>one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
>descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull
>it over your face.
>
>
>
> If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
>before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than
>one small child, pick your favorite.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
>clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
>you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
>Southwest Airlines.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event
>of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
>with our compliments."
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the
>overhead area. Please, place the bag over your own mouth and nose
>before assisting children.... or other adults acting like children."
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
>belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
>the flight attendants.
>
>
>
> Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines
>is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
>industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
>Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom
>and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
>thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it
>wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's
>fault...it was the asphalt."
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
>Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
>approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
>extremely hard landing the flight attendant said, "ladies and
>gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. remain in your seats with
>your seat belts fastened while the captain taxies what's left of
>our airplane to the gate!"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
>landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
>bounces us to the terminal."
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
>hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
>policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while
>the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying
>our airline." He said that in light of his bad landing he had a
>hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
>have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for
>a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do
>you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the
>pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or
>were we shot down?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight
>attendant came on with, "ladies and gentlemen. Please remain in your
>seats until the captain and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
>screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke
>has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door
>and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal".
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
>thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
>get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
>metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
>reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
>announcement over intercom,
>
>
>
> "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
>flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
>The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth
>and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax..."OH, MY GOD!"
>Silence followed and after a few minutes the captain came back on
>the intercom and said, "ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
>scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight
>attendant brought a cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You
>should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in coach yelled,
>"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> On a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
>wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing
>and if you can light'em, you can smoke 'em."
>
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>
>____________________________________________________
> IncrediMail - Email has finally evolved -
><http://www.incredimail.com/redir.asp?ad_id=309&lang=9>Click
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Mathematics Department, #6956
UT-Chattanooga
615 McCallie Ave, Chattanooga, TN 37403
Phone:423-425-4580;Fax: 423-425-4586; Email: [log in to unmask]
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