I know, you've heard this one before, but it seems SO appropriate
considering all that's going on.

HP TO CUT WORKFORCE 120 PERCENT

  Palo Alto, Calif. (SatireWire.com) - HP will reduce its workforce by an
  unprecedented 120 percent by the end of 2001, believed to be the first
  time a major corporation has laid off more employees than it actually
  has.

  HP stock soared more than 12 points on the news. The reduction decision,
  announced Thursday, came after a year-long internal review of
  cost-cutting procedures, said HP CEO Carly Fiorina.

  The initial report concluded the company would save $1.2 billion by
  eliminating 20 percent of its 108,000 employees. From there, said
  Fiorina, "it didn't take a genius to figure out that if we cut 40 percent
  of our workforce, we'd save $2.4 billion, and if we cut 100 percent of
  our workforce, we'd save $6 billion. But then we thought, why stop there?
  Let's cut another 20 percent and save $7 billion.

  "We believe in increasing shareholder value, and we believe that by
  decreasing expenditures, we enhance our competitive cost position and our
  bottom line," she added. HP plans to achieve the 100 percent internal
  reduction through layoffs, attrition and early retirement packages. To
  achieve the 20 percent in external reductions, the company plans to
  involuntarily downsize 22,000 non-HP employees who presently work for
  other companies.

  "We pretty much picked them out of a hat," said Fiorina.

  Among firms HP has picked as "External Reduction Targets," or ERTs, are
  Quaker Oats, AMR Corporation, parent of American Airlines, Callaway Golf,
  and Charles Schwab & Co. HP's plan presents a "win-win" for the company
  and ERTs, said Fiorina, as any savings by ERTs would be passed on to HP,
  while the ERTs themselves would benefit by the increase in stock price
  that usually accompanies personnel cutback announcements.

  "We're also hoping that since, over the years, we've been really helpful
  to a lot of companies, they'll do this for us kind of as a favor," said
  Fiorina.

  Legally, pink slips sent out by HP would have no standing at ERTs unless
  those companies agreed. While executives at ERTs declined to comment,
  employees at those companies said they were not inclined to cooperate.
  "This is ridiculous. I don't work for HP. They can't fire me," said Kaili
  Blackburn, a flight attendant with American Airlines.

  Reactions like that, replied Fiorina, "are not very sporting."

  Inspiration for HP's plan came from previous cutback initiatives, said
  company officials. In January of 1998, for instance, the company
  announced it would trim 18,000 jobs over two years. However, just a year
  later, HP said it had already reached its quota. "We were quite surprised
  at the number of employees willing to leave HP in such a hurry, and we
  decided to build on that," Fiorina said.

  Analysts credited Fiorina's short-term vision, noting that the
  announcement had the desired effect of immediately increasing HP share
  value. However, the long-term ramifications could be detrimental, said
  Bear Stearns analyst Beldon McInty. "It's a little early to tell, but by
  eliminating all its employees, HP may jeopardize its market position and
  could, at least theoretically, cease to exist," said McInty.

  Fiorina, however, urged patience: "To my knowledge, this hasn't been done
  before, so let's just wait and see what happens."

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