Picked up from laffaday.com....

They Even Mention HP and Ora-kill!

TOASTERS

[Editor's Note: This is a slightly old one, but still a
classic. Enjoy!]

If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to
be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a
worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy
a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd
still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh
15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel
countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city,
take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be
the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark
you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate
your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone
would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy
them since most of the good bread only works with their
toasters.

If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5
years earlier.

If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices
would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your
bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything
about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own
toaster.

If University of Waterloo made toasters...
They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.

If ParcPlace made toasters...
Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands
and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover
the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant
Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole
appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good
cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in
toast and gives you regular bread.

If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got
burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the
same time.

If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any
other single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black
cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top
of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone
number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly
classified government documents. The X-Files would have an
episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA
could access in case they needed to get at your toast for
reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single
piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently
attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters
that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn
to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted
piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter
toaster.

If CostCo/Price Club made toasters...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of
'em.

Al Karman
IT Consultant
US Freightways
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773.824.2284