This came from a friend of mine.  I realize it is _slightly_ off-topic,
but knowing the high humor quotient posessed by most of the members of
this group, felt you wouldn't mind _too_ much.
 
DOS Beer
 
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can.  Originally only came in an
8 oz. can, but now comes in a 16 oz. can.  However, the can is divided
into eight compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed
separately.  Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going
to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
 
Mac Beer
 
At first, came only in a 16 oz. can, but now comes in a 32 oz. can.
Considered by many to be a 'light' beer.  All the cans look identical.
When you take one from the 'fridge, it opens itself.  The ingredients
list is not on the can.  If you call to ask about the ingredients, you
are told that "you don't need to know."  A notice on the side reminds you
to drag your empties to the trash can.
 
Windows 3.1 Beer
 
The world's most popular.  Comes in a 16 oz. can that looks a lot like
Mac Beer's.  Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.  Claims that it
allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality, you
can only drink a few of them, very slowly; especially slowly if you are
drinking the Windows Beer at the same time.  Sometimes, for no apparent
reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
 
OS/2 Beer
 
Comes in a 32 oz. can.  Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously.  Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously,
too, but somewhat slower.  Advertizes that its cans won't explode when
you open them, even if you shake them up.  You never really see anyone
drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer
Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
 
Windows 95 Beer
 
A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful.  The can
looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer.
It comes in 32 oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16
oz. of beer in them.  Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1
Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it.  The
ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same
ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims
that this is an entirely new brew.
 
Windows NT Beer
 
Comes in 32 oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truck-load.  This
causes most people to have to out and buy bigger refridgerators.  The can
looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change
the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's.  Touted as an "industrial
strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
 
UNIX Beer
 
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging in size from 8 oz. to
64 oz.  Drinkers of UNIX Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though
they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical.
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have
to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you
either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been
drinking UNIX Beer for several years.
 
AmigaDOS Beer
 
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up
by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import.  The
beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer
didn't understand marketing.  Like UNIX Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an
extremely loyal and loud group.  It originally came in a 16 oz. can, but
now comes in 32 oz. cans, too.  When this can was originally introduced,
it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over
the years, so it appears outdated, now.  Critics of this beer claim that
it is only meant for TV watching, anyway.
 
VMS Beer
 
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping.  However, cans have been known to explode, on occasion, or
contain extremely un-beer-like contents.  Best drunk in high pressure
development environments.  When you call the manufacturer for the list of
ingredients, you're told that it's proprietary and referred to an unknown
listing in the manuals published by the FDA.  Rumors are this was once
listed in the Physician's Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one
can claim to have actually seen it.
 
To which I replied in true HP3000-L'er fashion:
 
MPE Beer
 
Originally came in 16 oz. cans, now comes in 32 oz. cans.  Possible plans
for a 64 oz. version if enough drinkers request it.  Another beer with
fierce brand loyalty.  Was once the manufacturers main product, but has
been replaced by their own version of UNIX Beer.  Can explosions are
extremely rare.  If the refridgerator loses power, MPE Beer will keep for
long periods without spoiling.  Returns to full flavor after power is
restored with no intervention by the drinker.
 
Any and all additions and/or modifications gleefully read.
 
Don  Harrington                         Boeing Commercial Airplane Group
(206) 931-4457 voice                    P. O. Box 3707 M/S 5J-34
(206) 931-9085 FAX                      Seattle, WA  98124-2207
[log in to unmask]
 
These thoughts are owned by the person expressing them, and no one else!