December 1, 2000
WASHINGTON, DC -- Keep the bubbly in the fridge this
December 31, and don't
expect to see any football on TV the next day.
    President Clinton is expected to appear before
television cameras this
Sunday morning to explain his surprise petition to the
national Supreme
Court to extend the millennium.
    Late Thursday afternoon, a White House staffer carried a
thick packet of
papers from the White House to the Supreme Court building.
The full text of
the petition has not yet been released, but a summary
document provided by
the Clinton administration (see sidebar) outlines its
contents and primary
arguments.
    The petition seeks to extend the millennium by a minimum
of 2,634 days,
but the exact length of the extension would be determined by
a full recount
of the days since January 1, 1001, coupled with a complete
recalculation of
how long a millennium actually is.
    A White House source, speaking on condition of
anonymity, justified the
petition by saying that different religions and nations use
different
calendars, and in fact the definition of our own calendar
has changed since
the millennium began.  This means that the exact end date of
the millennium
is not clear.
    "The president only wants to make sure that all the days
are counted and
that every day counts," said the staffer.
    At news of the surprise petition, Republicans were
outraged.  A
supporter of George W. Bush's presidential campaign said,
"Clinton is only
doing this to extend his stay in the White House.  If the
millennium doesn't
end, then we can't start January, and the presidential
inauguration is
scheduled for January 20."
    Supporters of Vice President Al Gore's campaign were
shocked by the news
of the petition.  "We're not sure at this point whether
extending the
millennium will help or hurt our chances of getting a fair
and accurate
recount of the votes in Florida.  The Electoral College is
scheduled to meet
December 18, and that's before the end of the millennium."
    Many holiday shoppers asked about the petition were
simply confused.
Most thought that the millennium had ended on December 31,
1999 when in fact
it will not be over until the first day of 2001 begins.
    Some, however, welcomed the move.  Richard Marsh of
Lubbock, Texas,
said, "Damn right they need to get this calendar thing under
control.  I can
never remember that little poem, and where the hell does the
government come
off adding a day every four years anyway?"
    The White House declined to comment officially on the
petition except to
say that Clinton himself will address the nation in a
television speech on
Sunday.
    The Associated Press and MSNBC contributed to this
report.

-----SIDEBAR-----
Summary of the White House Petition to the
Supreme Court to Recalculate the Millennium

The petition, submitted December 1, 2000, seeks to ensure
that all days in
the millennium are actually and truly attributed to the
millennium, and that
the next millennium not begin until the current millennium
is truly and
accurately completed.

It is estimated that a minimum of 2,634 days and possibly as
many as 14,532
days have not been properly counted in this millennium.
Confusion over
various calendar definitions, religious intervention in
calendars, and
medieval confusion over seasons and dates have caused these
days to be left
out of the full millennium count.

Actions to be taken under the petition:
  - the month of December, 2000 will be
    extended to the actual end of the
    millennium, with each new day numbered
    in increasing sequential order
  - the actual number of days in December will
    be determined by a bipartisan recount of
    all days in the millennium, and by a
    multidenominational committee appointed to
    calculate the true number of days in
    a complete millennium
  - all fiscal months, corresponding fiscal
    quarters and fiscal years, and all business
    and trade schedules will extend to
    include the full month of December
  - all political terms will be extended
    until the designated date of switchover
  - all school terms or vacations will continue
    as they are in or out of session on
    December 31
  - all existing December commitments such as
    Christmas will be honored as usual
  - parents of children born after December
    31, 2000 but before January 1, 2001, will
    be designated a birthday of December 31, 2000

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"Unix _is_ user friendly.
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