RULES FOR BEING A REPUBLICAN: DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES?

1) You must believe that being a drug addict is a moral failing and a
crime,unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock(or a Presidential
candidate), which makes it an "illness" and requires our prayers for
your "recovery".

2) You have to truly believe that people who are privileged from
birth, achieve success all on their own.

3) You have to believe that the US should get out of the UN, AND that
our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's
lives, but it needs to punish anyone caught having private sex with the
"wrong" gender.

5) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit.

6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't
pray to Allah or Kali.

7) "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving
their jobs to India.

8) You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions
about her own body, but that large multi-national corporations can make
decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.

9) You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves you, and
that Jesus shares your hatred of welfare, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.

10) You hate the ALCU for representing atheists and homos, but they
owed it to the country to bail out Oliver North.

11) You have to believe that the best way to encourage military
morale is to praise the troops overseas while cutting their VA benefits.

12) You believe that group sex and drug use are degenerate sins that
can only be purged by running for governor of California as a Republican.

13) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools,
because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

14) You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to
alienate our allies and then demand their cooperation and money.

15) You have to believe that federally funded universal health
insurance is Socialist and wrong, and that HMO's and insurance companies
only have your best interests at heart.

16) You have to believe that providing health care to all Iraqis is
sound government policy but providing health care to all Americans is the
epitome of Socialism.

17) You believe that "tobacco's link to cancer" and "global warming"
are "junk science", but Creationism should be taught in schools.

18) You have to believe that waging war with no exit strategy was
wrong in Vietnam but right in Iraq.

19) You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a
bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing
business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin
Laden" diversion.

20) You believe that government should restrict itself to just the
powers named in the Constitution, except for banning gay marriages and
censoring the internet.

21) You have to believe that the public has a right to know about the
adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of Republicans are a
"private matter".

22) You have to believe that the public has a right to know about
Hillary's cattle trades but that Bush was right to censor those 28
pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because you just can't handle the
truth.

23) You support state's rights, which means Ashcroft telling the
states which locally passed voter initiatives he will allow them to have.

24) You have to believe that what Clinton did in the 1960's is of
vital national interest but what Bush did decades later is "stale news" and
"irrelevant".

25) You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is
Communist and oppressive, but trading with China and Vietnam is just
dandy

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