----------
From: Puzino, Joseph
To: Rudderow, Evan
Subject: FW:  Dilbert
Date: Wednesday, November 22, 1995 2:34PM
 
Ev,
     Got this from a friend of mine at Bell Labs .... enjoy
 
                    Joe P.
 ----------
From: rpw
To: puzino
Date: Wednesday, November 22, 1995 11:08AM
 
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    Dilbert: The new sex symbol
    Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s
 
        Scott Adams
        Windows Magazine,  May 1995
 
I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip
"Dilbert."  Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths,
stalkers, comic-strip fans -- that sort of person.  But a growing number
are
 
from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy.  Some say they've
already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier.
 
If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who
spends most of his time with his computer.  He's a nice guy but not exactly
Kevin Costner.
 
Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated.  And he stays
home. These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the incredible
sex appeal.  So what's the attraction?
 
I think it's a Darwinian thing.  We're attracted to the people who
have the best ability to survive and thrive.  In the old days it was
important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single
blow to the forehead.
 
But that skill is becoming less important every year.
 
Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card
without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a
stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support.
 
It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people,
each with its own evolutionary destiny:
 
Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike
non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work in
tech
support).
 
Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use
hand calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets.  This group
will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet
crematoriums.  Eventually they will become extinct.
 
Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at
tourists.
 
Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which
evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to put
them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics.  You want a real man.
You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution potential.
 
And women prefer men who listen.  Computer users are excellent
listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time without
saying anything.  Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy
actually talks.  But men use up all the stories they'll ever have after six
 
 
months. If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail sales, she'll
get repeat stories starting in the seventh month and lasting forever.
 Marry
an engineer and she gets a great listener for the next 70 years.
 
Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate
with somebody who has an indoor hobby.  Outdoorsy men are applying suntan
lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look like dried
chili peppers in pants.  Compare that with the healthy glow of a man who
spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen.
 
It's also well established that computer users are better lovers.  I
know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman who
married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times.  I realize
this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the most
persuasive thing I've written so far.
 
If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their
hair.  They tend to have either:  (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of
elevated testosterone -- or  (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you see
only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking.  If this
were
a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong circumstantial
evidence alone.
 
I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there.  They'll delight in
pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and suggest
 
 
it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem.
 That's
okay. Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at tourists.  Then
who'll be laughing?  (Answer to rhetorical question:  everybody but the
tourists.)
 
Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.  And Bill
Clinton said that knowledge is power.  Therefore, logically, according to
the U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
 You
could argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but it's hard to argue with
 
 
the government.  Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and
Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.
 
You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use
computers are sexy.  But look at it from my point of view:  I'm getting
paid
by the word for this article.  I'm not done yet.
 
In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a
hot car.  But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own
hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.
 
Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood.
Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman is
going to look at them twice.
 
It's getting worse.  Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will
qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless.  And nobody likes a
 
 
man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn Monroe, which
 
 
is why the CIA killed her.  And if you think that's stupid, I've got 100
words to go.
 
Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting.  Nothing looks sexier
than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor.  If
we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can
also
agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use the computer.
Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of a PC in his
underwear.
 
In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive.
It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.