Greeting

>                               Quotes From
>                              STEPHEN WRIGHT
>
>   I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park
>   anywhere near the place.
>
>   I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
>   I got a full house and four people died.
>
>   Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated
>   coffee table.  They couldn't help me.
>
>   What's another word for "thesaurus"?
>
>   When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
>   parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if
>   I'm leaving.
>
>   When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.
>   I was an only child . . . eventually.
>
>   I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
>   So I had to buy them again.
>
>   For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.
>   I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
>
>   I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.
>   Every once in a while I turn it on and off.
>   One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, "Cut it out!"
>
>   I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
>   Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
>
>   I wrote a song, but I can't read music.  Every time I hear a new
>   song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
>
>   I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
>   Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it
>   (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly) . . .
>   and says, "Here, you can go."
>
>   I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything
>   specific.
>
>   I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold
>   out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it.  It was supposed
>   to be 80 degrees out today."  I said "Oops . . ."
>
>   I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of
>   cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
>
>   I spilled Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
>
>   My neighbor has a circular driveway.  He can't get out.
>
>   I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
>
>   I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
>
>   I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now, but
>   leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
>
>   I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road.
>   I don't know how I got there.
>
>   A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.
>   You'll just be walking down the street and . . . . . . . . . . . . .
>   . . . . oohh, that's much better.
>
>   I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea
>   shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe
>   you've seen some of it.
>
>   I Xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
>
>   Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
>
>   My school colors were clear.
>
>   I stayed in a really old hotel last night.
>   They sent me a wakeup letter.
>
>   I'm taking La maze classes.  I'm not having a baby, I'm just having
>   trouble breathing.
>
>   When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's
>   Dad.  He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."
>   I said, "the middle of August? Cool!"
>
>   My girlfriend's weird.  One day she asked me, "If you could know how
>   and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
>   I said, "No."  She said, "Okay, forget it."
>
>   I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going
>   to be gone.  I said, "The whole time."
>
>   My buddy got busted for counterfeiting.  He was making pennies.
>   They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the
>   wrong sides.
>
>   He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and
>   chain.
>
>   Hermits have no peer pressure.
>
>   Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories . .
>
>   There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore
>   like an idiot.
>
>   How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
>
>   Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
>
>   I just got skylights put in my place.  The people who live above me
>   are furious.
>
>   Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .
>
>   I remember when the candle shop burned down.
>   Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
>
>   I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards.
>   Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
>
>   I got stopped by a cop the other day.
>   He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?"
>   I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
>
>   It doesn't matter what temperature a room is,
>   it's always room temperature.
>
>   Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
>
>   I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped.
>   I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that far."
>
>   I played a blank tape on full volume.
>   The mime who lived next door complained.
>   So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
>
>   I'm a peripheral visionary.
>
>   I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
>
>   Ballerinas are always on their toes.
>   Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
>
>   The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked,
>   "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
>
>   What a nice night for an evening.
>
>   Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
>
>   When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.
>   When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
>

Our application systems are written with the Fortran 66 compiler.  It still
runs as CM.  This is a variation on the "Too many hours to justify conversion"
category.

Marc Walgren