I just received this from a friend, nothing to do with HP, but she saw it
and wondered if I'd seen it yet. It sounds too good to pass up!

>Lunch at Hewlett Packard
>
>                   [log in to unmask] (Richard Sexton)
>                   Trailing Edge Technology, Redondo Beach, Ca.
>                               (rec.humor, chuckle)
>                        From the rec.humor.funny joke archives.
>
>Lunch, the HP Way
>
>by Stephen Harrison and Noel Magee
>
>This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no screaming
>disc drives, just the kind of
>psychological torture that scars a man for life.
>
>I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new
>series 70, the works. He said
>it'd take about an hour. Three hours later, we'd barely got the datacomm
>hardware down on paper,
>so he invited me downstairs for lunch.
>
>This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service
>counter was a menu which
>began...
>
>
>MMU's (Main Menu Units)
>
>0001A    Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
>         Must order comdiments 00110A separately
>
>   001   Deletes seeds.
>   002   Expands burger to two patties.
>
>00020A   Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese,
>         bun and condiments.
>
>   001   Add-on bacon.
>   002   Delete second patty.
>   003   Replaces second patty with extra cheese.
>
>00021A   Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger
>
>   001   From Single Burger.
>   002   From Double Burger.
>   003   Return credit for bun.
>
>00220A   Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A
>
>   001   Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.
>
>My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The waitress
>looked at me like I was an
>alien.
>
>"How would you like to order that, sir?"
>
>"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?"
>
>"No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like?"
>
>I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?"
>
>"The patty is rated at eight bites."
>
>"Well, how about the rest of it?"
>
>"I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."
>
>"Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."
>
>My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002
>'expands burger to two
>patties'. The double burger upgrade would give you two burgers.
>
>"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed
>in, trying to be helpful,
>"although it isn't documented."
>
>I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple
>in line behind us. I
>recognized one of them, a guy who merely mowed me down in the parking
>lot with his cherry-red
>'62 Vette. He was talking to some woman who was waving her arms around
>and looking very
>excited.
>
>"What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option
>and without the burger
>and cheese? It'd be a BLT!"
>
>The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
>steeplechases over tables and
>chairs. My waitress tried to get my attention again. "Have you decided,
>sir?"
>
>"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the
>option 001. I want
>everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment Expansion Kit,
>which included mayonnaise,
>mustard and pickles with a option to substitute relish.
>
>"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."
>
>"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep
>butted in again. "That's not a
>supported configuration."
>
>"What now?" I kept my voice steady.
>
>"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."
>
>"Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."
>
>The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's
>not supported either, the bun
>can take it but the burger won't fit in the box. The sales rep defended
>himself. "Just not at first
>release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."
>
>I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French
>followed by option
>120, English. "What the hell are English Fries?" I turned to the sales
>rep. "Chips they call them. We
>sell a lot of them."
>
>I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." The
>confused the waitress
>profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured only for series
>00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep
>chuckles. "No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I
>wondered how long it had
>been on the shelf. I didn't ask.
>
>"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh off relief. "Your meal is
>now on order. Now how
>would you like it supported?"
>
>"Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the
>menu, and I began a litany
>with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.
>
>"Implementation assistance?"
>
>"You get a waiter."
>
>"Implementation analysis?"
>
>You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."
>
>"Response Center Support?"
>
>"He brings it to your table."
>
>"Extended materials?"
>
>"You get refills."
>
>I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave
>me my check on three sheets
>of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the table, and decided
>it'd pass as an emergency
>napkin.
>
>Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He
>hadn't been bright enough to
>check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching in his corner
>surveyed the crowded room,
>looked at me and said, "Two weeks. But I can get you a standalone chair
>by the window right
>away."
>
>I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of
>chile and sauerkraut for the
>hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began to grom dim, my
>eyesight faded...
>
>I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM,
>four hours till my meeting
>with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it told me to do. I dialed my
>office, and I called in sick.
>
>
>Richard J. Sexton
>
>
>
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