Begin forwarded message:

> Subject: Church Ladies with Typewriters
>
>
> Thank God for CHURCH LADIES WITH TYPEWRITERS. These sentences actually
> appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
>
> 1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
> Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
>
> 2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING
> Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
> includes meals."
>
> 3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
> tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
>
> 4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
> recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
>
> 5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
> those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
> husbands."
>
> 6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to
> a conflict.
>
> 7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
> someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care
> much
> about you.
>
> 8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
>
> 9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
> obvious pleasure to the congregation.
>
> 10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
> nursery downstairs.
>
> 11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
> the
> help they can get.
>
> 12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
> transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
> Pastor Jack's sermons.
>
> 13. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
> hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
>
> 14. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
> will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
>
> 15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
> church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
>
> 16. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
> Music will follow.
>
> 17. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
> Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
>
> 18. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
> several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
>
> 19. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
> recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
>
> 20. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
> person you want remembered.
>
> 21. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
> lunch.
>
> 22. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
> entertainment, and gracious hostility.
>
> 23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to
> follow.
>
> 24.The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
> may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
>
> 25. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across
> from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
>
> 26. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies
> are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
>
> 27. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
> would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
> Sunday.
>
>
> 28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
> use
> back door.
>
> 29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
> Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend
> this tragedy.
>
> 30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
> Please use large double door at the side entrance.
>
> 31. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
> slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
>
> 32. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

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