I feel compelled to share this. Hope you've got your humerous bones intact (and
connected to you ulnars)....
(again, all disclaimers are hereby invoke!! My opinions are mine
alone...even if you share them!]
Okay, here goes....
If you recall, the so-called "Darwin Awards" are given out annually
(post-humerously?) to those brave souls who have taken it upon themselves to
(graciously?) remove themselves from the human gene pool (of course, the karmic
merit for doing this must be considerable for such generosity!)
[note: I still don't think this year's quite stacks up to the guy in Arizona who
tied the JATO unit to his '67 Chevy and went for a ride ...so, I've included
it...well... because....]
Rumor has it:
fwd:
DARWIN AWARDS FOR 1998
No. 5: WINDSOR, ONTARIO, CANADA: In February, according
to RCMP, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-
on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of "chicken" they were
playing with their snowmobiles.
No. 4: MOSCOW, RUSSIA: A drunken security officer asked a
colleague at a Moscow Bank they were guarding to stab his
bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him again a knife
attack. It did not, and the 25 year old guard died of a heart wound.
No. 3: PARIS, FRANCE: Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance
when he committed suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and
tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a
large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He
even tried to shoot himself at the last moment.
He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely
and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging he
plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames
and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water
by a kind fisherman and was taken to the hospital, where he died
of hypothermia.
No. 2: RENTON, WASHINGTON: A Washington man tried to
commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested
by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by
his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
weapons in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol
Car parked in at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
coffee before reporting for duty. Upon seeing the officer, the
would-be bank robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild
shots. The officer and clerk promptly returned fire, removing him
from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns
but did not fire. No one else was hurt.
And the 1998 Darwin Award is.......
No. 1: THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA: Telephone relay
company night watchman, Edward Baker, 31, was killed early
Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation. He was
apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications
feedhorn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once
last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay
Spokesperson Tanya Cooke.
She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety
shutoff switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in
order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers
that it was the only way to stay warm and toasty during his 12 hours
shift at the station, where winter temperatures dip to forty below
zero.
Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissues in the
same way they heat food in a microwave oven. For his Christmas
shift, Baker reportedly bought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic
lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest
microwave beam.
Baker had not been told about the tenfold boost in microwave
power planned that night to handily the anticipated increase in
holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered
by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor
he suspected for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have
prepared for a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company
officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: Re: Thinning the herd
Subj: Darwin Award
You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the
person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the
most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was
killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting
to tip a free soda out of it.
And this year's nominee is:....
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded
into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The
wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of
car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and
what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit
(Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give
heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short
airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long,
straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in,
got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be
determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a
distance of approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established
by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if
operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing
the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power
for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would
have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under
full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the
remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway
for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied and completely
melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road
surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the
cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the
rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small
fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail
and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of
the steering wheel.
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