Doctor's Notes

 A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the
 cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the  lady's dress,
 and began to take off her underwear.  Suddenly I noticed that there were
 several cabs, and I  was in the wrong one.

 Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
 * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
 slightly deaf female patient's anterior  chest wall.  "Big breaths," I
 instructed.  "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

 Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
 * * * * * * * * * * * *

 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I  told a wife that her
 husband had died of a massive  myocardial infarct.  Not more than five
 minutes later, I heard her reporting  to the rest of the family that he had
 died of a "massive  internal fart."

 Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
 * * * * * * * * * * *

 I was performing a complete physical, including the  visual acuity test. I
 placed the patient twenty feet from  the chart and began, "Cover your right
 eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.  "Now your left."
 Again, a flawless read.  "Now both," I requested.  There was silence. He
 couldn't even read the large E  on the top line. I turned and discovered
 that he had  done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there  with
both
 his eyes covered.  I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

 Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 During a patient's two week follow-up appointment  with his cardiologist,
 he informed me, his doctor, that  he was having trouble with one of his
 medications.  "Which one?" I asked.  "The patch. The nurse told me to put
on
 a new one  every six hours and now I'm running out of places to  put it!"
 I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
 Yes, the man had over fifty  patches on his body! Now the instructions
include
 removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

 Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
 * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I  asked, "How long
 have you been bedridden?"  After a look of complete confusion she answered
 "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband  was alive."

 Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
 * * * * * * * * * * *

 I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast
 this morning?"  "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
 seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.  I then asked to see
 the jelly and the woman produced a  foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

 Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
 * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 And Finally . . . . .


 A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was  quite embarrassed performing
 female pelvic exams.  To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously
 formed a habit of whistling softly.  The middle aged lady upon whom he was
 performing  this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed
 him. He looked up from his work and  sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I
tickling you?"
 She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were  whistling was 'I wish I
 was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

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