> Allegedly, this was written by a guy welcoming all the laid-off North
 >West Airline employees to Minnesota. Whoever wrote it, it is brilliant.
 >Enjoy :
 >
 >This is for the hundreds of Atlanta, Georgia mechanics and others who
 >will move to the Twin Cities as NWA closes its maintenance base there.
 >This is your lucky day!
 >
 >First, the West Nile fever season here is really, really short. Ditto,
 >malaria and any other dread disease carried by mosquitoes. The bad news
 >is that you'll have to grow accustomed to hash brown potatoes. Grits end
 >at Chillicothe, Missouri.
 >
 >You no longer have to say, "y'all," the most worthless expression in the
 >English language. When you call your dog, for instance, just say, "Come."
 >You don't have to say, "Y'all come."
 >
 >As mechanics, you'll have a field day taking care of your car from now
 >until spring (late spring, that is, for early spring is not spring, it is
 >really late winter). Remember that old Minnesota weather adage, "April
 >showers bring May plowers."
 >
 >Sell your car. A Georgia car will not survive here. Your car will freeze
 >to death before Halloween. Buy a used car. If you buy a new car it will
 >look like a used car before they can dig it out of the display lot at the
 >car dealership.
 >
 >At first, you may think snow is pretty. Snow is not pretty. By December
 >you will feel as if you are living in a black-and-white movie.
 >
 >And there is a lot of snow.. Deep snow. Deep snow that doesn't go away.
 >The reason Northwest Airlines paints the tails of its planes red is so they
 >can find the damned things.
 >
 >You will find new loves here. One of them will be underwear that goes all
 >the way to your ankles. Any underwear above the ankle is lingerie.
 >
 >A few things you may not know:
 >Beer freezes.
 >A constipated dog is a good dog.
 >Ice fishing is a form of mental illness.
 >Sunrise and sunset are roughly an hour a part.
 >Jumper cables make an excellent wedding gift.
 >You will look forward to slush.
 >Kleenex is covered by your medical insurance.
 >
 >You must also be aware that, contrary to southern cuisine, there is no
 >Minnesota cuisine. If it's dead, eat it.
 >
 >When you pack to come to Minnesota, you need only to bring one
 >short-sleeved shirt (and that's only in case you want to fly back home
 >for vacation). Minnesotans pass short-sleeved shirts from generation
 >to generation. The short-sleeved shirt season here begins July 26 and is
 >pretty much wrapped up by 3:30 on the 28th.
 >
 >You will have to change your allegiances to professional sports teams.
 >Doing the tomahawk chop simply will not play here. People will think
 >you're merely scraping your windshield.
 >
 >We play a game here called hockey as well. Hockey coaches will kidnap
 >your children before they even start school, so beware. They'll return
 >them in April.
 >
 >As for baseball, we never know if we have a team or not.
 >
 >Moving on to religion. There are but two faiths here: Pro-stadium and
 >Anti-stadium. An agnostic is a person who doesn't care whether we have
 >a new stadium or not.
 >
 >We have an excellent college system. Unfortunately, it's in Wisconsin,
 >Iowa, or the Dakotas.
 >
 >Canadian honkers aren't something you see at a Winnipeg strip joint
 >They're geese.
 >
 >By law, every vehicle in Minnesota must have a hitch ball. Even
 >hearses.
 >
 >You cannot smoke anywhere in Minnesota. Unless it's dope, of course.
 >
 >Minnesotans may laugh at you for your backward politics in Georgia. You
 >can stop them with two words: "Pro wrestler."
 >
 >Judy Garland was born in Minnesota and it took her 16 years of driving
 >through construction detours before she got to the Yellow Brick Road.
 >
 >Minnesota has more than 10,000 lakes, hundreds of thousands of miles of
 >rivers and streams, millions of acres of forest, and one Krispy Kreme.
 >Guess where everybody wants to go.
 >
 >And do not call the homicide division on a beer joint because of what you
 >see behind the bar. That's merely a jar of pickled pig's feet. (See
 >Cuisine comments above).
 >


Paul D. Christensen
PC Enterprises Inc.      [log in to unmask]
206 Central Avenue
P.O. Box 369
Osakis MN 56360-0369  (www.lakeosakismn.com)

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