MY KITCHEN JUST CRASHED
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TCI, The nation's largest cable television company,
is in talks to launch a unique pilot project in
conjunction with Pacific Gas & Electric Co. &
Microsoft Corporation to design a "smart home". The
home automation industry is expected to triple in
size, from $1.7 billion this year to more than $5.1
billion by the year 2000.

NOVEMBER 28, 1995 - Moved in at last. Finally, we
live in the smartest house in the neighborhood.
Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected
to our phone, which is connected to my PC, which
is connected to the power lines, all the appliances
and security system. Everything runs off a universal
remote with the friendliest interface I've ever
used. Programming is a snap. I'm like totally wired.

NOVEMBER 30 - Hot stuff! Programmed my VCR from the
office, turned up the thermostat and switched on the
lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the oven
a few degrees for my pizza. Everything's nice and
cozy when I arrived. Maybe I should have the
universal remote surgically attached.

DECEMBER 3 - Yesterday, the kitchen crashed. Freak
event. As I opened the refrigerator door, the light
blew. Immediately, everything else electrical shut
down - lights, microwave, coffee maker - everything!
Carefully, I unplugged and plugged all the
appliances back in. Nothing called the cable company
(but not from the kitchen phone). The utility insists
the problem was in the software. So the software
company runs some remote telediagnostics via my house
processor. Their expert system claims it has to be
the utility's fault. I don't care. I just want my
kitchen back. More remote diagnostics. Turns out the
problem was "unanticipated failure mode". The network
had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the
door was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the
burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire
kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that
there hadn't actually been a power surge, the
kitchen's logic sequence was confused so it couldn't
do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this
had never happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over
an hour.

DECEMBER 7 - The police are not happy. Our house
keeps calling them for help. We discover that
whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels,
it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get
amplified when they hit the window. When these
vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security
sensors are activated and the police computer
concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go
figure... Another glitch: whenever the basement is in
self-diagnostic mode, the universal remote won't let
me change the channels on my TV. That means I
actually have to get up off the couch and change the
TV channels by hand. The software and the utility
people say this flaw will be fixed in the upgrade -
Smarthouse 2.1 but it's not ready yet.

DECEMBER 12 - This is a nightmare! There's a virus in
the house. My PC caught it while browsing the public
access network. I come home and the living room is a
sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, and
the refrigerator has defrosted. The washing
machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is
cycling up and down, and the TV is stuck on the Home
Shopping Channel. Throughout the house, lights
flicker like stroboscopes until they explode from
the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Of course
the security sensors detect nothing. I look at the
message slowly throbbing on my PC screen:
"Welcome to Homewrecker!!! Now the fun begins. Be it
ever so humble, There's no virus like Homewrecker..."
I get out of the house, FAST!

DECEMBER 18 - They think I've digitally disinfected
the house but the place is in shambles. Pipes have
bursts and we're not completely sure we've got that
part of the virus that attacks toilets.
Nevertheless, The Exorcists - as the anti-virus
SWAT members like to call themselves - are confident
the worst is over. "Homewrecker is pretty bad," one
tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn't
get Poltergeist. That one is really evil".

DECEMBER 19 - apparently, our house isn't insured
for viruses, "Fires and mud slides yes," says the
claims adjuster, "Viruses, no". My agreement with
the Smarthouse people explicitly states that all
claims warranties are null, and void if any
appliances or computer in my house networks in any
way, shape, or form with a non-certified on-line
services. Everybody's very sorry but they can't be
expected to anticipate every virus that may be
created. We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's
excited.

DECEMBER 21 - I get a call from a Smarthouse
sales rep. As a special holiday offer, we get the
free opportunity to become a beta site for the
company's new Smarthouse 2.1 upgrade. He say's
I'll be able to meet the programmers personally.
"SURE!!!" I tell him.....

---author unknown