In light of the previous Travel theme...I just got these moments ago...

Rich

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 Rich Trapp "RAT"
 Managed Business Solutions   [log in to unmask]   http://www.mbsnav.com
 Assigned to: TMO Design Automation Support at HP Loveland, CO
 (Telnet) or (970) 679-2221   [log in to unmask]
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 Subject: FAirlines
 Date:    3/17/99 8:01 AM


Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.  Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane..."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a
member of the flight crew and we will escort you  to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about  as you wish, but please
stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit  cold outside, and if you
walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington  National, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in  Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard  Southwest flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to
operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin  pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have
a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are  traveling with two small children, decide now which one you
love more."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves
you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency
water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising
altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to
autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest
of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or
adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on
this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and
I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants'
fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the captain was
really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the flight
attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the
captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship
into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them
a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he
had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally  everyone had gotten off except for this little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on
with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
of us here at US Airways."