An update of a classic...
 WHO'S ON FIRST -- circa 2003

 ABBOTT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
 COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm
 thinking of buying a computer.
 ABBOTT: Mac?
 COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.
 ABBOTT: Your computer?
 COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
 ABBOTT: Mac?
 COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.
 ABBOTT: What about Windows?
 COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
 ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
 COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
 ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
 COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
 ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
 COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
 proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
 ABBOTT: Office.
 COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
 ABBOTT: I just did.
 COSTELLO: You just did what?
 ABBOTT: Recommended something.
 COSTELLO: You recommended something?
 ABBOTT: Yes.
 COSTELLO: For my office?
 ABBOTT: Yes.
 COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
 ABBOTT: Office.
 COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
 ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
 COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say
 I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
 ABBOTT: Word.
 COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But
 what program do I load?
 ABBOTT: Word.
 COSTELLO: What word?
 ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
 COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
 ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
 COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
 ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
 COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight
 answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want
 to watch a movie over the Internet?
 ABBOTT: RealOne.
 COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
 your business. But what do I need to watch it?
 ABBOTT: RealOne.
 COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three
 and four. Can I watch reel four?
 ABBOTT: Of course.
 COSTELLO: Great! With what?
 ABBOTT: RealOne.
 COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie.
 What do I do?
 ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
 COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
 ABBOTT: The blue 1.
 COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
 ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
 COSTELLO: What word?
 ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
 COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
 ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
 COSTELLO: It is?
 ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It
 pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
 COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
 ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part
 of Office.
 COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I
 also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have
 to help me track my money?
 ABBOTT: Money.
 COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
 ABBOTT: Money.
 COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
 ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
 COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
 ABBOTT: Money.
 COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
 ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
 COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How
 much money do I get?
 ABBOTT: Just one copy.
 COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
 ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
 COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
 ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
 COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll
 still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
 ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
 COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
 ABBOTT: Money.
 COSTELLO: You sell money?
 ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
 COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do
 you have any software for, you know, accounting?
 ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
 COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
 ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
 COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
 ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
 COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
 ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
 COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business.
 You know.. Accounting? You do it with money.
 ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
 COSTELLO: More money?
 ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
 COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the
 moment. I'm worried that my computer might... what's the word? Crash. And
 if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
 ABBOTT: GoBack.
 COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and I need
 something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
 ABBOTT: GoBack.
 COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
 ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
 COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go
 back. What do I need to write a proposal?
 ABBOTT: Word.
 COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
 ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word.. the Word in Office for Windows.
 COSTELLO: But there's three words in... Oh, never mind.(click)
 ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh,
 well.Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?


***************************************************************
 CDR Paul Edwards USNR Ret.       HP 3000/9000 Certified Consultant
 Paul Edwards & Associates        Phone: (972) 242-6660
 1506 Estates Way                 Fax  : (972) 446-9022
 Carrollton TX 75006              Cel  : (214) 384-8728
 Email: [log in to unmask]          Web  : www.peassoc.com
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